Continuing our understanding of the emotional impact of divorce, Deborah Jeff invited Dr Nicola Bunting to explain how the negative issue of divorce can, in time, lead to positive and rewarding life changes.  Understandably, many of our clients when they begin the divorce process cannot see how what they are experiencing can possibly lead to a positive outcome.  Dr Bunting explains how this can be achieved:

Dr Nicola Bunting:

When you face divorce, you think about endings, about what happened or didn’t happen in the past that led to the end of your marriage. That’s very natural, as are the steps that you go through such as shock, anger, grief, acceptance, moving forwards.  As you know, divorce can be intensely stressful.

But while divorce is clearly about endings, it’s also about beginnings … the beginning of your new life which you can create in the way you want it to be.

While I don’t know what stage of a separation or divorce you’re at as you read this article, I will show you the steps that will move you forward to create the life that you want. If you’re ready to move forwards now, I hope my article will provide a framework to help you do just that. If being ready is a little while away still, you will find some useful tips for the present and you can tuck the article away in your desk drawer for the right moment.

Divorce marks the start of a new stage of your life.  As well as being an ending, it can be an exciting beginning, full of hope, possibilities and new aspirations for you to turn into reality. And you are in charge!

It’s normal to feel disoriented as you start your journey from your old life to your new life because it is a journey; behind you is your old life and in front of you is a new landscape that you are travelling towards. Depending on how recent your divorce has been, you may still feel a bit unclear and foggy about why it ended and what you want out of life from no on. If your divorce happened some time ago, or your decree absolute was simply the end of something you came to terms with when you started the legal process, you may now feel ready to get excited about your future.

You are a unique individual, someone who deserves to be happy and fulfilled and to feel empowered to create the future that you want for yourself. Here are some steps that will help you successfully navigate the transition, so that your journey is one of renewal, redefinition, and recreation. The destination you are travelling towards represents your new beginning.  Why not create the landscape that is right for you?

1. Practice extreme self-care.  Change and transition is stressful even when it is a positive change and it will be easier to navigate forwards successfully if you’re feeling well and energised.  Make sure you’re eating healthily, drinking enough water, getting exercise every day (a walk in the park is ideal, or yoga or swimming), and make sure you’re getting enough sleep.  Be gentle and positive in your self-talk, treating yourself as you would your best friend. Encourage yourself and don’t catastrophize.
   
   
2. What will make you feel good about yourself and raise your self-esteem? This is a great moment to get in your best physical shape ever, to remind yourself of all your good qualities and strengths, to get a makeover and to give yourself positive reinforcement. At what point in your life did you feel best about yourself? What would it take now for you to feel that way?
   
   
3. Get support. Spend time with family, friends and people who make you feel good. This may be a good moment to work with a coach if you’re ready to move forwards, or a counsellor if you’re feeling really stuck, or even to join a social group that appeals to you.
   
   
4. Make a conscious decision to be happy.  Psychologists tell us that happiness depends on the thoughts we think and where we put our energy. Every day, try to enjoy all the beautiful moments that are there for you, whether it’s walking your children to school, gardening or chatting with a friend…
   
   
5. Have a positive vision. Get very clear about what you want your life to look and feel like. If you know where you’re heading, it’s easier to chart a course that will get you there.
   
   
6. Redefine your identity. Reflect on the values that really inspire you and choose goals that will allow you to express those values. Now is a great moment to really consider who you are as an individual, what makes you happy, what brings out the best in you and what you truly want when you don’t have to compromise any more.
   
   
7. Create new habits. Establish daily rituals that are fun, enjoyable, hedonistic, and that allow you to look after yourself on every level, body, mind, emotions and soul.
   
   
8. Let go of limiting beliefs. If you catch yourself feeling down, reflect on what thoughts you’re thinking. Are they actually true, or are they just distorted and limiting beliefs which are unnecessarily bringing you down? What you think dramatically affects how you feel, so consciously adopt positive thinking habits and let go of negative mindsets.
   
   
9. Be grateful. Appreciate all the fabulous things in your life and take time to notice and acknowledge them and not take them for granted. It’s very helpful to make a habit of considering all the things you’ve enjoyed and are grateful for that day before you go to sleep, and when you wake up to think about all the things you have to look forward to that day, big or small.
   
   
10. Celebrate!  It’s so important to take time to celebrate all of the successes along the way, and acknowledge yourself, your friends and family for all the wonderful things you all do. What’s more, it’s fun!

I know, from years of coaching people through and after divorce, that with the right approach, your new life can be an extraordinarily happy and positive time, perhaps even your happiest time ever. Why not start taking steps today to make that true for you?

To explore individual or group coaching, or to learn more about  “Moving On From Divorce” workshops, please contact Dr. Nicola Bunting at nicola@la-vita-nuova.com or visit www.la-vita-nuova.com.