Successful marriage tips
At the start of UK marriage week in February 2010 Deborah Jeff, Head of the Family Department at Seddons, worked with Maggie Chapman, psychotherapist, to publish ten tips for preventing divorce. Deborah and Maggie both have years of experience with clients seeking their advice when a marriage is in difficulty and see first-hand the common reasons why marriages fail.
Approximately 1 in 3 marriages in the UK breaks down and many of the problems in those marriages will be because of a lack of communication.
"We just don't talk to each other any more," said Maggie Chapman from City Minds, a London organisation that deals in psychological health. "In the past couples would talk to each other about issues that were troubling them. With the pressures of today they just don't make the time to discuss problems. When they do it's not face to face, it's generally by text or email and often the message is misconstrued".
Deborah Jeff said: "We are seeing more and more couples where the marriage could have been saved if the couple had simply conversed with each other in the right way. Of course if a marriage has irretrievably broken down then it's right that both parties seek legal advice and their interests are looked after, particularly if there are children of the marriage. But more often than not there isn't major disagreement. It is simply that the couple have not communicated - and the marriage can be saved".
Even when there is no way back, communication can make the whole thing a lot easier for all concerned and allow the process of separation to be as stress free as possible.
"What we all need for our marriage is an MOT," said Maggie Chapman. "Just like a car, a marriage needs an MOT to keep it ticking over which is why we have issued ten tips for a successful marriage".
These tips have been welcomed by clients of both Deborah Jeff and Maggie Chapman and we are pleased to publish them here as general guidance for all of our clients.
SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE TIPS
1. Due diligence before marriage
Be sure to discuss thoroughly what each of you wants from married life. For example, do you both want children? How will childcare be shared? Will one of you put your career on hold while the children are young? How will you share household chores?It’s incredible how people “fudge” these issues when they are keen to marry and because they expect it to be “happy ever after”. They fail to consider the consequences of not discussing what they each want before committing to a lifetime together and what day-to-day life will look like. You wouldn’t invest in a business without thoroughly researching whether it was suitable for you and was a reflection of your values so why not do the same preliminary work with something as important as your marriage?
2. Keep communicating with each other
Married couples can tend to settle into a pattern and take each other for granted. Keep discussing what you want from the marriage. What you want at the beginning of the marriage may change over the years and you’ll need to develop together and deal with situations which arise. Don’t assume that what one of you wants at the beginning of the marriage is set in stone, e.g. a wife may be determined to stay at home with the children until they start school but the reality of being home 24/7 may change that wish and she may choose to return to work after a year or so.
3. Make time for each other
Remember that you were husband and wife before you were parents. Children rightly come first but they will grow up as more well-rounded individuals if they see their parents happy together. For example, it’s easy to become so busy with young children that you forget each other’s needs. Consider going on a “date” together every other weekend as a way of making time for each other and as a reminder of why you are together.
4. Keep putting each other first, don’t take each other for granted
It’s easy to settle into a routine and start taking for granted all the things you do for each other. Remember how polite and courteous you were to each other in the early days and make sure it remains that way. Appreciate all you do for each other remember to always make each other the most important adult in each other’s lives.
5. Carry on with your own interests and hobbies
Your spouse was attracted to you because of who you are – maintain that individuality throughout the marriage. Your hobbies and interests reflect who you are so don’t stop doing these because you’ve married – it can lead to resentment if you do. It’s great to miss someone but how can you do that if they are always at your side and never doing their own thing?
6. Accept you are responsible for your own emotions and actions within the relationship
We often communicate by pointing the finger and using expressions such as “You made me angry”, “It’s all your fault”. We all have a tendency to apportion blame to something or someone other than ourselves. It’s important to accept that we are responsible for how we think and feel and our spouses do not “make us feel” emotions. It is how we are thinking that creates those emotional responses and the subsequent behaviour.
7. When communicating with each other remain civil and respectful
It is very easy when we are disturbed by strong emotions to act out of those emotions, so when we are angry we tend to raise our voice, shout and sometimes bang the table, imagining that we can be heard better. Agree a strategy of how you as a couple will manage difficult emotions. All relationships will have times when emotions run high so having an agreed strategy beforehand enable the communication to remain civil. This doesn’t mean suppressing your emotions; being angry yet in control and responding rationally is the aim. Tip: walking and talking when emotions are involved is a helpful way of remaining in control of your thoughts.
8. Think of the bigger picture
Often we can get embroiled in the small detail of what we like or dislike about our spouse and what is wrong with our situation. Step back and view the bigger picture as you consider your partner’s good qualities and demonstrate that in your behaviour. It’s very easy to slip into the habit of always complaining that this or that is not done or isn’t happening. Instead begin to notice what is happening.
9. Accept yourself as a valuable but fallible human being
Guilt can corrode relationships. If we begin to recognise that as human beings we are prone to making mistakes, that we can learn from these mistakes and change for the better, it allows us to be forgiving of ourselves and our partner. As we take emotional and behavioural responsibility we can judge our behaviour rather than our worth.
10. Continue to make small acts of thoughtfulness
Displaying thoughtfulness to your spouse in small ways on a daily basis is an important part of a successful marriage. As you consider each other’s life experience and respond with small acts of kindness or thoughtfulness, a strong supportive relationship will grow rather than the one that is built on competitiveness. It’s very easy to compare hours of sleep or hours worked as if one spouse or another deserves more attention.