The emotional consequences of divorce and separation
Deborah Jeff, Head of Family at Seddons takes a closer look at the non-legal issues surrounding the break-up of a relationship.
Saving the marriage/relationship
Clients often have not yet made the decision to separate when they first come to us for advice. One partner may realise that there are problems in the relationship but that doesn’t necessarily mean the problems cannot be resolved. The first thing we seek to establish is whether the marriage or relationship has completely broken down, or whether there is a chance of the parties resolving their differences. We always refer clients to couples counselling (marriage or relationship counselling) whenever there is a possibility of the relationship being saved or to help the couple separate in the least painful way possible.
Couples counselling encourages good communication and can often be short-term work. The best time to begin couples counselling is as soon as one partner begins to realise they are withdrawing from the relationship or the relationship is not working as they would wish. Commonly, one partner may be reluctant to see a counsellor but that often changes once they’ve attended the first session. Even if the relationship cannot be saved, the goodwill that can be achieved in counselling can benefit both partners in the process of separating.
Deciding to divorce or separate
The decision to divorce or separate is one which has many repercussions for the whole family. The psychological process is one which takes time and clients find it very reassuring to know that they are not alone as they go through that process. We have very experienced psychiatrists, psychologists and counsellors to whom we are able to refer clients to help them through what can be one of the most difficult times of their life.
The end of a relationship is like a bereavement. There are generally 4 stages to the bereavement process:
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Denial: Pretending that it’s not happening, that there isn’t going to be a separation. Feelings of numbness can be experienced.
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Anger: Feelings of rage, blaming the other party, taking it out on the children or using the children as emotional pawns in the fight with each other.
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Depression: The start of the realisation that the relationship is over. There is a loss of control, feeling very emotional & teary.
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Acceptance: Finally accepting that the marriage or relationship has gone.
A divorce or separation generally incurs at least 6 to 12 months of emotional upheaval, although the bereavement process can be elongated by Court proceedings. We advise clients that the emotional trauma can therefore continue for at least 6 months once the divorce and associated litigation has concluded.
Physical & mental health issues
The huge adjustment to your life when separating or divorcing can leave you vulnerable to both physical and mental health problems. You may be experiencing considerable pressure and it is entirely normal for this to manifest itself in a spell of bad health.
A physical health problem may begin, or an old problem may return. For example, it’s common for blood pressure problems to be experienced during divorce.
Mental health conditions are still somewhat of a taboo but needing such assistance is nothing to be ashamed of and is common during separation. You may need assistance to help you through the difficult period, whether that is medication, counselling or a combination of both. Most commonly, clients can experience anxiety and/or depression. Symptoms can include:
Depression:
Anxiety:
We regularly guide clients to consult medical professionals during divorce and separation to ensure their best interests are protected. If you believe you need medical advice, consult your GP as soon as possible. If you require names of medical professionals you may wish to consider contacting we will be pleased to provide these.
With thanks to Caryn Nuttall and Sue Epstein, psychotherapists, and Dr Neil Brener, consultant psychiatrist, for their kind assistance in compiling these web pages.